Deep Water

By Kay Heitsch

Know that you are not alone. God is with you, holding you, comforting you, and most of all loving you no matter what. ~ God Is With You Quotes ~

Sometimes it takes looking at the past to move forward and heal. It's not easy, but knowing God is with us gives us the strength to move forward. I read a quote that said, Part of the healing process is sharing with other people who care. I believe that is true!

Our Bible verse says. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. Isaiah 43:2

We can know that when we go through the difficulties of life, we are not alone. God is with us.

Know that you are not alone. God is with you, holding you, comforting you, and most of all loving you no matter what.

Todd's Death (Part (13)

By Kay Heitsch

I'm going to put a warning right at the top of this post. This is not going to be for the faint of heart.

As difficult as I knew it was going to be, I had to go out to the accident site where Todd was killed. I didn't know where County Road 81 was, but Bill did. Bill had been there to identify Todd's body.

We drove in silence. As we rounded a curve, I saw a house with some small pine trees in the front yard. Bill stopped the van. My God, was this the place Todd died? What? I was expecting to see a large tree that he hit, not these pine trees.

I got out of the van and started to walk around. All of a sudden, I noticed blood on the trunk of a small pine tree. I walked over and touched it. I reached into my purse for a piece of paper and started to rub Todd's blood on the paper. Bill stopped me. Somehow, I wanted that blood because it was all I had that was Todd. Oh my God, this was real! Reality was slapping me in the face!

A woman came out of the house. She was wondering why we had stopped. She explained that on the day of the accident, she heard Todd hit the tree, and she ran out of the house. When she saw Nick, she went back inside and got a blanket to put on him. Her following words have burned in my heart. She said, "Because your son's body was crushed behind the tree, I'm sorry I didn't see him, so I didn't bring him a blanket."

You know it didn't matter because Todd was dead! But it still broke my heart! I wanted Todd to have a blanket, too.

I was still numb, but reality was sinking in. I picked up a piece of pine wood and got inside the van. I still have this piece of wood to this day!

Todd's Death (Part 12)

By Kay Heitsch

We tried to keep things as normal as possible for Shannon and Brandon.

As a family, we always went to Pizza Hut on Wednesday nights. I will never forget how hard it was to go there without Todd. I kept choking back tears, but I made it. Each week got easier.

There was a skating party at the local roller rink. I sat next to a doctor friend. He asked how I was doing and if I needed anything to help. I told him, "No thanks." I was still numb and trying to adjust to the reality that Todd was not coming back.

The truth is, I knew drugs or alcohol would not help. I understood this from past experiences. I had to find a way to help myself without mindless eating, drugs, or alcohol.

Brandon was almost 3 when Todd died. He did not understand why Todd wasn't home.

Aunt Carmeleta stayed with us for a few days. One night, she heard Brandon get up and asked him where he was going. Brandon said he was going down to sleep with Todd.

It broke Aunt Carmeleta's heart seeing Brandon's little face when she told him Todd wasn't in his room anymore.

Brandon struggled daily with missing Todd. He would pick up the phone in the family room and call out to me, saying, "Momma, Todd wants to talk to you." His baby words broke my heart. I would hold Brandon tight as I hung up the phone.

Trust God's Plan

By Kay Heitsch

What God has for you is for you. Trust His timing. Trust His plan. ~ Inspirational Quotes ~

I believe that God has a plan for every one of our lives. We may not understand why we went through situations, but God has a plan, and He will work something good out of it in His timing.

Our Bible verse says. Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5 NLT

Our job, as far as I see it, is to trust God with all of our hearts and not worry about what we don't understand. Easier said than done.

What God has for you is for you. Trust His timing. Trust His plan.

Todd's Death (Part 11)

By Kay Heitsch 

There were a lot of flowers, so we asked that they be sent to nursing homes. I took the ceramic shoe that Aunt Carmeleta and Uncle Fred had given. I have placed that shoe on Todd's grave ever since.

The house didn't seem the same anymore. I was still numb, but I was going through the motions. I tried to be strong for Shannon and Brandon. I would take my bath and sob my eyes out. I'd dry off and come out trying to be normal.

I was surprised by people's kindness. I didn't have to cook because people were dropping food off.

I knew most people except one woman. I had no idea who she was when she dropped off her dish. I immediately looked at the bottom of her dish. There was no name. I would have to wait until she returned to find out. Sandy returned for her dish. I found out her son ran cross country with Todd.

Sandy's kindness meant a lot, and I wondered what made her bring a dish when I didn't even know her.

One day, I stood at the kitchen counter, mindlessly eating. Suddenly, I heard that quiet voice say, "Kay, you won't like the consequences of this behavior."

Somehow, I knew that was true.

Never Forgotten

By Kay Heitsch

Let's Make Them Never Be Forgotten. ~ Memorial Day Quote ~

We must never forget our service men and women's sacrifices for our freedom. As the saying goes, Freedom is not free. Someone has paid a price for it.

Our Bible verse says. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. John 15:13 NIV

Because of Jesus' great love, He laid down His life for us. We have so much to be thankful for. Our servicemen and women have made it possible through their sacrifices that we are free today in the United States of America.

Let's make them never to be forgotten.

Todd's Death (Part 10)

By Kay Heitsch

I remember returning to Bill's dad's house after being at the cemetery. People were stopping by, and I watched the cousins playing. I was still in a haze.

I'm having trouble writing about the following incident. However, it seems that it needs to be handled.

Most people said kind and comforting words or just gave me a hug, and I am most grateful for them. However, one person's words have stuck with me for years.

A woman came up to me and said, "Kay, Todd's death is not the worst thing that can happen." She clarified her statement by saying, " When my husband dies, that is going to be worse." Huh? I was dumbfounded and said nothing.

Over the years, I've thought about this repeatedly and been angry at myself for not speaking up.

I've replayed her words and what my response should have been.

Things like, " How the hell would you know? You have never had a child. A child can not be replaced! A spouse can be, and you should know that. You're number 2."

I don't know why these words hurt my heart so much. Maybe I've been more angry at myself for not speaking up than her words.

Today, I'm going to forgive myself.

Forgive Yourself For Not Knowing

By Kay Heitsch

Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it. ~Forgive Yourself Quotes

We are all on a learning journey in life. Maybe we must forgive ourselves for not knowing what we didn't see before learning it. Once we understand and see, we can forgive ourselves and move on.

Our Bible verse says. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32 NIV

We need to be kind, compassionate, and forgiving to one another, and we should include ourselves in this.

Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it.

Overcome By Doing Good

By Kay Heitsch

Cling to what is good. ~ Inspirational Quotes ~

When bad things happen, we have a choice about what we cling to. It's not that we don't recognize evil—we do—but we can overcome it by doing good.

Our Bible verses say. Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Romans 12:9 Don't let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good. Romans 12:21

There we have it. Evil is present in this world, but we do not need to be conquered by it. We can conquer it by doing good and keeping our love sincere.

Cling to what is good.

Todd's Death (Part 9 )

 Grief Experiences Todd's Death (Part 9)

Going through each step of this grief process was helping me to begin to accept that Todd had died. However, I was still numb and in a state of disbelief.

When I returned home from the hospital, the day of the accident, the phone began to ring. I didn't know how so many people knew Todd had been killed in this accident. The same was true in Michigan when a call came in.

This is not something I talk about. But here it goes.

We stayed at Bill's dad's and stepmother's house when this call came in. I wasn't there.

When I returned, I received a message that a woman had called. I recognized the name. The last message I received from this person wasn't exactly good.

Here's the story.

I attended a "Religious" boarding high school in Michigan until my Senior year. I was not the type of student who fit in their environment, so I was expelled. I left there and graduated from another boarding school in Illinois.

Pam, my roommate from Michigan, called and asked if I would come and visit for a weekend. I figured she had gotten permission, so my mom drove me to Michigan and dropped me off at the school.

I hadn't been in Pam's room very long when I received a message. The same woman was letting me know that I would not be allowed to eat in the cafeteria and that no one could bring food out. They had changed their minds about my visit, and now I would have to leave.

It turned out okay because I had friends who had graduated and didn't live very far from the school. Vicki was one of them. She came over and picked me up, and we ended up having a great weekend together.

The day I heard this person call, I wondered how she knew I was at Bill's dad's house and why she called. I was not in the mood to hear from her. My child had died. I never returned her call.

Today, I wonder if she wanted to apologize for her unkind behavior years before. Now, I'm going to believe this was the reason for her call.

I accept the apology I never received, and I forgive her.

Ride Out Hard Times

By Kay Heitsch

We build our faith and trust in God to help us ride out the hard times. ~ Trust God Quotes ~

God uses our hard times to build our faith and draw us closer to Him. When we keep our trust in Him, we are helped. We all have hard times; that's life. But we are helped when we trust God to see us through.

Our Bible verse says. The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust Him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. Psalm 28:7 NIV

When we trust the LORD to help us through our hard times, we can have a heart filled with joy and thanksgiving.

We build our faith and trust in God to help us ride out the hard times.

Todd's Death (Part 8 )

By Kay Heitsch

It was freezing cold, and the cemetery was covered with snow. I remember standing, staring at the casket. I was still in disbelief that what I was seeing was true.

Grief has a way of causing a person to react much differently than they usually would. Bill's dad had never given Bill a hug in his life. However, he walked over and gave Bill a hug. We were all hurting.

Bill's brother and wife were staying at a hotel in town. Their oldest son was around 9 years old, and he was having a hard time dealing with Todd's death. The morning of the funeral, there seemed to be a significant change in his attitude. His mom told me that Josh had told her that "Wendy" had told him that everything would be OK, and he didn't need to worry about Todd.

I was skeptical about this incident. Who was Wendy? And where did Wendy come from? No one seemed to know.

A few weeks later, I was going through Todd's desk drawers when I found a book he had written in the 6th grade. Todd called the book The Christmas Tree Caper. The book was about him and his partner, Wendy. Could this Wendy be Todd's guardian angel? Was this the Wendy who told Josh not to worry that Todd was OK?

Will I ever know if Wendy was Todd's angel? I believe some day I will.

Don't Allow Fear To Rule

By Kay Heitsch

Remember, if God brought you to it, He will bring you through it. ~ Motivational Quotes

We must remember that God will give us what we need when we need it, when fear arises.

Too often, we allow fear to rule in our lives. If we don't have something figured out in our heads, we're afraid to step out. I have found that we won't be able to figure it out beforehand. If something is God's will for your life and He brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Our Bible verse says. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9 NIV

We must be strong and courageous to accomplish what God calls us to do. We can not allow fear to rule! We must remember that God is with us wherever we go.

Remember, if God brought you to it, He will bring you through it.

Todd's Death (Part 7)

By Kay Heitsch

After my experience with the priest, I left the funeral home that evening feeling exhausted. Todd's funeral was to be the next day.

Once again, the pressure on my chest felt enormous when I got into bed. At times, I could hardly get my breath.

We bought Todd a stuffed dog named Snooks when he was a baby. Todd kept this dog all his life. We all laughed when he put Snooks in the back window to look out when we went on trips.

Aunt Carmeleta had sent me a cassette tape by a Christian singing group a couple of months before Todd's death.

I wouldn't have listened to it normally, but I had. In fact, when Todd was practicing driving, I put the tape in. The music kept me calm.

When the funeral home asked what music I wanted played, I picked two songs from this cassette tape.

As I've said, I was not a Christian, so my two choices surprise me to this day. My choices were, Because He Lives I Can Face Tomorrow and Under His Wings.

We had lived in Indiana before we moved to Ohio. I couldn't believe that one of Todd's friends from Indiana showed up at the funeral. It was wonderful to see him.

I sat lost in my thoughts during the service, still in a haze. I don't know what the minister said. I remember hearing the songs as the cassette tapes were played, not knowing what these words meant.

The service was over, and it was time to go to the cemetery.

I waited until everyone said their final goodbyes when I reached under my chair for a bag I had brought.

In a very private last moment, as tears ran down my face, I took Snooks out of the bag and placed him in the casket next to Todd.

Todd's Death (Part 6)

By Kay Heitsch

We had Todd's calling hours in Dover for Todd's friends. We felt it was necessary for these teenage friends. But no one knew I desperately needed to see Todd's body, too.

We had Todd's body moved to Michigan and had calling hours and a funeral where Todd's body would be buried.

Since we moved often, we didn't have a home base. Bill's dad and stepmother had lived in Michigan for years. Todd and I walked around the cemetery there, so it seemed the best choice. We decided to buy several plots.

These calling hours were much different than the ones in Dover. Most people were friends of Bill's dad, and I didn't know many.

Now I'm going to share an upsetting experience.

I was wondering what was up when a priest walked up to me as I stood in front of Todd's casket. I noticed immediately that he smelled like booze and was drunk.

Slurring his words, he started to go off because Todd's casket was open instead of being a half casket. He said something insane about this type of casket being only for the Pope.

As I said in a previous post, Todd's face had to be remade with molding clay. Toland-Herzig told us not to touch Todd's face.

This drunk, obnoxious priest suddenly said, "I need to bless him." I said, "Don't touch Todd's face!" He did not listen and left his handprint on my precious Todd's face.

I was so angry!